So it turns out I am not assertive in many situations. SURPRISE!
This discovery all started at the end of last year. At work, my manager asked me and the other new-hires take a management skills assessment test. When we got the results back, it turns out I FAILED, and I mean EPICALLY FAILED, the managing conflict portion. I got a 47%. Seriously. Jon and I both received that section as our lowest section, so our boss, Michael, told us to do some training. The training was interesting because there was one part that really stuck out to me. It was about constructive confrontation. Say what? I know. The Assertive Communication part was like an epiphany to my soul. The irony of it came from how the day before I took this training, I was agreed to a second date with a guy, even though I didnt want to, and was planning on lying and cancelling it (avoidance = passive/bad communication).
The assertive communication said I needed to:
1. Express my thoughts, concerns, feelings and ideas
2. Request what you want directly and specifically
3. Refuse someone without feeling guilty
4. Avoid being self-sacrificing and confrontational
Now I know what a lot of you are thinking. Natasha, I know you; you are totally assertive. I'm very assertive with people I know and am comfortable with. I still am, when I'm feeling extreme or negative emotions. For example, if you hurt a friend/family member of mine, I will destroy you without any guilt or remorse. However, this is another post-mission new personality trait that I've discovered. So when I am trying to be polite or nice or I don't really know a person, I my assertive abilities are severely lacking. For example, take the guy I said yes to on a second date. For privacy, we will call him Mr. Presumptuous. Mr. Presumptuous thought that taking me out on a date automatically means he gets to kiss me and take me out again. Negative. In my internal freak out, after deflecting said kiss, I agreed to a second date just so I can continue my fleeing of the scene (in this fight or flight scenario, I took flight). After this training, I thought, I will be direct, specific, and refuse without feeling guilty. I should not have to feel guilty about my own feelings. I should not have to sacrifice my happiness just to allow a guy to feel good about himself and get a second date. No thank you. So because i'm not 100% assertive, I was honest and specific, over a text, and not the phone. It was like a weight was lifted off me and I felt great!
Why do I have this fear of making people feel bad? Maybe because I use to be really mean and now I am forever trying to make up for the past by being super nice to people. It's true that the mission has made me way nicer than I ever have been. Or maybe I can blame my parents. LOL. JUST KIDDING! I read the other day something along the lines of: if you never saw conflict when you were young (from your parents) then you never really learn that conflict can be resolved and are likely to be afraid of conflict. I guess that's the price I will pay for never having seen my parents fight my whole life. But seriously. Maybe I'm overcompensating for my Bad Natasha years.
Another example of me learning to be assertive. I went to Monroe, LA last week for work with my boss, Addy. We had a 7 hour car drive there because it was hardcore raining so Addy didn't drive over 55 mph most of the way. It normally should only be about 6 hours. On the drive up, it was very enjoyable because Addy is such a good ol' fashion family guy. After driving for a few hours, I really wanted to ask him some advice questions about my career. My passive voice said "Don't bother him with that because he'll think you're too needy or annoying." My assertive side said "Do it. You will never get what you want unless you ask." So I asked and he had some really good advice and things to say. The next day, I was giving a presentation to some people about the project I had been working on and had to ask a lady about getting some more data from her. She was really defensive about it and kept telling me I didn't need the information. I was hoping Addy would step in and she would respect his authority and do what he says...but he didn't. It was up to me to deal with it. I was assertive in my request and eventually she agreed. I was SOOO PROUD of myself! I felt like I could do anything!
My last example happened yesterday, when Addy told me to set up a meeting between us and a vendor. Oh man. I felt so out of my league. I felt like I had no authority to be requesting meetings with VPs of other companies and telling them when and where we need to meet. I had to put aside my feelings of inadequacy and be assertive. It is so funny because ever since our training and discussion with Michael over what we learned, Jon and I have been constantly sharing our experiences of being assertive and the outcomes. It is really encouraging. It's kind of like my own personal support group of being assertive. I can do it!
Topic change...but it will tie back to my assertiveness theme.
Let us define harassment in a legal sense: the act of systematic and/or continued unwanted and annoying actions of one party...including threats and demands. The purposes may vary, including...personal malice, an attempt to force someone to [do something]... or merely gain sadistic pleasure from making someone fearful or anxious.
This discovery all started at the end of last year. At work, my manager asked me and the other new-hires take a management skills assessment test. When we got the results back, it turns out I FAILED, and I mean EPICALLY FAILED, the managing conflict portion. I got a 47%. Seriously. Jon and I both received that section as our lowest section, so our boss, Michael, told us to do some training. The training was interesting because there was one part that really stuck out to me. It was about constructive confrontation. Say what? I know. The Assertive Communication part was like an epiphany to my soul. The irony of it came from how the day before I took this training, I was agreed to a second date with a guy, even though I didnt want to, and was planning on lying and cancelling it (avoidance = passive/bad communication).
The assertive communication said I needed to:
1. Express my thoughts, concerns, feelings and ideas
2. Request what you want directly and specifically
3. Refuse someone without feeling guilty
4. Avoid being self-sacrificing and confrontational
Now I know what a lot of you are thinking. Natasha, I know you; you are totally assertive. I'm very assertive with people I know and am comfortable with. I still am, when I'm feeling extreme or negative emotions. For example, if you hurt a friend/family member of mine, I will destroy you without any guilt or remorse. However, this is another post-mission new personality trait that I've discovered. So when I am trying to be polite or nice or I don't really know a person, I my assertive abilities are severely lacking. For example, take the guy I said yes to on a second date. For privacy, we will call him Mr. Presumptuous. Mr. Presumptuous thought that taking me out on a date automatically means he gets to kiss me and take me out again. Negative. In my internal freak out, after deflecting said kiss, I agreed to a second date just so I can continue my fleeing of the scene (in this fight or flight scenario, I took flight). After this training, I thought, I will be direct, specific, and refuse without feeling guilty. I should not have to feel guilty about my own feelings. I should not have to sacrifice my happiness just to allow a guy to feel good about himself and get a second date. No thank you. So because i'm not 100% assertive, I was honest and specific, over a text, and not the phone. It was like a weight was lifted off me and I felt great!
Another example of me learning to be assertive. I went to Monroe, LA last week for work with my boss, Addy. We had a 7 hour car drive there because it was hardcore raining so Addy didn't drive over 55 mph most of the way. It normally should only be about 6 hours. On the drive up, it was very enjoyable because Addy is such a good ol' fashion family guy. After driving for a few hours, I really wanted to ask him some advice questions about my career. My passive voice said "Don't bother him with that because he'll think you're too needy or annoying." My assertive side said "Do it. You will never get what you want unless you ask." So I asked and he had some really good advice and things to say. The next day, I was giving a presentation to some people about the project I had been working on and had to ask a lady about getting some more data from her. She was really defensive about it and kept telling me I didn't need the information. I was hoping Addy would step in and she would respect his authority and do what he says...but he didn't. It was up to me to deal with it. I was assertive in my request and eventually she agreed. I was SOOO PROUD of myself! I felt like I could do anything!
My last example happened yesterday, when Addy told me to set up a meeting between us and a vendor. Oh man. I felt so out of my league. I felt like I had no authority to be requesting meetings with VPs of other companies and telling them when and where we need to meet. I had to put aside my feelings of inadequacy and be assertive. It is so funny because ever since our training and discussion with Michael over what we learned, Jon and I have been constantly sharing our experiences of being assertive and the outcomes. It is really encouraging. It's kind of like my own personal support group of being assertive. I can do it!
Topic change...but it will tie back to my assertiveness theme.
Let us define harassment in a legal sense: the act of systematic and/or continued unwanted and annoying actions of one party...including threats and demands. The purposes may vary, including...personal malice, an attempt to force someone to [do something]... or merely gain sadistic pleasure from making someone fearful or anxious.
 |
| http://www.stopstreetharassment.org/strategies/assertive-responses/ |
Ladies and Gentlemen, yesterday I was a victim of harassment and I was not assertive about confronting it. Let me tell you a story. And I will change names for the sake of privacy. There are two guys in this story, one is JR and the other is Mr. Should Have Been Slapped (Mr. S) So the story begins yesterday, after I had a long day at work and went to work out, and FHE. (PS. I'm FHE Coordinator #awesomecalling). Afterwards, I was having a good time and was called over by Mr. S, who kept on saying stupid things like "you have to say yes" and repeating phrases along those lines. Then JR asked me out for Saturday night. I had to say no, because I had just made plans with someone else to do something. I felt bad because I always seem to have plans when JR wants to do stuff. His intentions have been made known, and I get the picture. Then Mr. S started bothering me again saying "you need to say yes" "you hae to say yes" and other unwanted commentary. Yes Mr. S. I get it. You really want your friend to go on a date with me. JR then took a proactive approach and asked when I will be free. Sadly, the next time I can go out is Feb 8th. So he has to wait about 2.5 weeks before a date, but it is written in my planner so I will not forget. Afterwards, Mr. S came up to me and was like "did you say yes?" and i said "yes" and he said "when" so i told him. Then he started saying how if you really want to do something you can always find time. I told him that I was a busy person and that is the only free time I have. I was like, I'm done here and walked to my car. Mr. S called me back, and I went back because I thought he was going to apologize for his harassing behavior. Instead he made me feel bad about myself. He had crossed the line from concerned friend to complete jerk and I wanted to slap him so badly. Come on, Mr Presumptuous had to wait like a month because we had such conflicting and busy schedules, not like I told him that, because it is none of his business! Get over yourself Mr. S! I should have been assertive and said specifically and directly without any guilt "Mr S. You are acting like a jerk and not like a friend. I hope you do not go around harassing girls to date your friends often. If you talk to me again about this subject, I will slap you and maybe even punch you in hopes of breaking your nose or severely injuring your person." Granted, it wouldn't have been as polite if I had stayed to respond to him. Instead, I walked off, without him knowing of his inappropriate and harassing behaviour, and he may do it again to some other girl. As a disclaimer...JR is a really nice guy, and if he wasn't, i probably would have called him by now and broken off the date due to his stupid friend.
I was so upset that I called Erica and she had to talk me down from it. She reminded me of how I need to be assertive and not worry about other people's feelings when they are doing something like that. Don't laugh it off. It's not okay. This is my number one goal for 2013. I am going to be assertive in all I do.
I was so upset that I called Erica and she had to talk me down from it. She reminded me of how I need to be assertive and not worry about other people's feelings when they are doing something like that. Don't laugh it off. It's not okay. This is my number one goal for 2013. I am going to be assertive in all I do.
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