Online...what? Dating? Seriously?

P. Bunk always said:  There's no comfort in a growth zone, and there's no growth in a comfort zone. Well P. Bunk, here's to you and one of the most influential phrases in my life. I declare 2014, my Year of Growth.

• Uncomfortable Growth Moment 1: January. I became activities co-chair. A social position. I have to talk to people and organize events. It's not bad, but after giving into my introverted anti-social self for the last half of 2013, it's a growth moment for me.
• Uncomfortable Growth Moment 2: February. I've decided I need to meet new people. A social decision. I really just work, go to the gym, and go home every day. I love my routine, but I don't meet new people. I decided I would try online dating. In this technological world, maybe that's the only way to meet new people.

My one of my co-worker uses Match.com, and he tells me and Lindsay about his experiences, which seem relatively normal. Lindsay has also meet lots of normal cool people who have told her they use Match.com. These thoughts definitely went through my head as I made my decision. I also accepted the challenge to start working on one of my new years resolutions. One of my resolutions was "Start dating again. Maybe put some effort into it". I thought of these aforementioned reasons and then was like "NOOOOOOO" because the idea of dating gives me anxiety. After being talked down the ledge and getting support from some friends and hermanita, I decided to join and LDS dating site. Saryah and I were joking about login names, and sadly, it turns out that the login name is permanent. Therefore, my login name is really ridiculous, which, I guess will help sort through guys who don't have a sense of humor, or are strange. Please see below example of a strange one.

As soon as I joined the dating website, I felt like I was going to die. Have I mentioned that the idea of dating gives me anxiety? So far, it hasn't been as terrible as I thought. I just have to stop stressing out. If I act like they are just future friends, my anxiety goes away. It's a little mind trick I'm trying out. So far, it's been effective. There is a quiz you can take on the website, and one of the questions was how do you define yourself. I couldn't choose between Comic Relief or Brains of the Operation. I was leaning towards Comic Relief (I mean, are you even reading this post?) but Erica said I was the brains. Well, if you insist. Currently, I am at about four days on a dating website, and 24 hours on Tinder. 

This is my Tinder thing. I'm forever in love with this pic
and happy Marijn took it. 

Tinder. That's right. Lindsay explained this to me a few months ago, but I'm surprised at how many people don't know what it is. A brief explanation: it is the most superficial way to meet people in the world. A picture of a person pops up, and you swipe left if you are not interested or swipe right if you are interested. If you are both interested, you get a match and have the opportunity to chat. If not, it's anonymous, so they'll never know, and you never see their picture again. It's connected to your phone's GPS, so everyone it pulls up is in your area. I've had 7 matches so far, and chatted with one of them. The fun part, is you can say "dang, I'm chatting with this really hot guy" because you already decided he was, and you already know they find you attractive. 

No-No's I have learned during my 24 hours on Tinder.

1. No shirtless pictures. Guys, you get to choose what photos are shown. When you're shirtless, it says you love yourself too much, and you're an idiot.
2. No pictures of you and a small child, I assume that child is yours. I'm not ready for that. 
3. Post a duck-face selfie, and I'm saying no.
4. No pictures where you look super trashed
5. No pictures where alcohol is displayed
6. If your smile looks creepy, don't post the picture. Once again, you get to choose the photo. Why you creepin'?

When I got my first Tinder match, I almost died with nerves. Luckily, just because you match, doesn't mean you have to talk to them. #win. For now, it is just a highly addictive game with little to no consequence in my life.  I'm more than okay with that. I'm getting used to meeting new people again, and it's starting to be fun. My friend who convinced me to do Tinder, has said to use it as practice talking to people. Work bestie Charles says I can practice trying not to be awkward as much as I want, but it probably won't change much. :D All I know, is I'm so far out of my comfort zone, that's I am definitely learning things and growing. 

Why do we fall? #batmanquote

As you know, one of my new years resolutions is to give dating another chance. Anyone who knows me, knows I hate dating; it really isn't for me. (Please note: This was not always the case. I used to rock at dating; it use to be a source of great entertainment and fun for me) But the past few years, it's more tedious and painful. I'm terrible at it. Lukas says I'm too pragmatic.

That's right; I had to look it up. Why does the German know S.A.T. words better than I? Because he's German. Therefore, I'm going to save you from feelings of embarrassment in the American school system and give you the definition.

I went out for snow cones with this guy the day before I left to Germany. We will call him, Mr. Ambivalent. (That's right. The gloves are off, and the S.A.T. book is out.) I had mixed feelings the entire time. There were many a times where I was completely speechless because, I can tell you he is like no one  I have ever dated previously. You can interpret this last comment as you will.

There are two red flags for Mr. Ambivalent that make me weary. Ok. One is real, and one is just something I cannot believe.

• Too much flattery. Ok. I like compliments as much as the next girl, but when you throw them out constantly and so freely, they loose their meaning and sincerity (if it ever existed in the first place).  It makes me highly suspicious. Maybe it's also because I grew up in a Latino/British culture where, in both, you tease those you love.  Either way, too many compliments makes me uncomfortable and not trust you.
• Has never read or watched Harry Potter. This is just crazy. I made a Snape joke, and he was literally like "who's that?" it was so weird. It was like an alien from another plant was in the room and I was trying to explain breathing to him. Out of body experience. 

• Now, I will say, in retelling this story, I have discovered that my faux-bro, Stevie has never read or watched Harry Potter. Say WHAT? He was at my house all the time, and somehow this family obsession never rubbed off on him. Don't worry Stevie, I will make sure you're children grow up with the joy of Potter-dom. 
• I also had to message this other guy, who I mega crushed on a few years ago, about it, because we would always argue (and it still comes up)  about Harry Potter and his need to read it. Yes. You still need to read it, even though we aren't planning on dating anymore. 

Anyways....I'll skip a lot the details, because i'm boring myself. Bottom line is, I couldn't tell if Mr. Ambivalent liked me or not after, because he didn't make any attempt to talk to me of his own free will. I hadn't heard from him in about 2 weeks and was feeling pretty angsty about it. Erica told me to, more-or-less, leave it alone. Yeah....about that....I took a step back and was like, "I hate not knowing. I'm just going to take matters in my own hands and find out myself". I texted him. *Jump to the end of our text conversation.* Under work-bestie, Charles' advice, I asked Mr. Ambivalent out. I felt like I was going to throw up when I typed out the words "do you want to meet up Friday night...." It is the worst feeling ever. I don't know how guys do it. Nevertheless, I asked a guy out for the first time, ever.

Becca reminded me recently, "dating requires a leap of faith in another person - never easy, but sometimes completely worth it". I completely agree. Faith requires trust. To find someone to trust and be yourself around, is always worth it. No regrets. I just have a problem making that leap.

He responded back that he was going to be out of town. That's it. Everyone who has ever dated knows, if you don't want to date someone you say "sorry, i'm busy" and leave it at that. If you actually are busy, but still want to date someone, you say "i'm sorry. I'm busy, but I'm free ____" and provide an alternative.

Rejected. But you know what? I lived. I was so scared (not a Gryffindor) of rejection , and while I was waiting for a response, I heard a voice in my head saying "fear is the opposite of faith". Why was I scared? I have no idea. I have faith that God's hand is always in my life. Even in my dating life. Even in the mistakes that have happened in my dating life. He guides my path and puts trials, or as I like to call them "learning opportunities", in my life. This was a moment where I took a chance; I did something I have never done before. I overcame a fear, and I like to think I'm a little better, stronger, and more faithful because of it. It was stressful and probably gave me one more old person wrinkle, but I was able to increase my belief in the teaching, "Your future is as bright as your faith."

Happy New Years everyone. I hope we all become a little stronger this year through all the learning opportunities we will have. After all, "Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up" #batman

my life is a romcom....minus the rom

My life is insane. No really. I sometimes just sit and think, I am so weird/awkard/ridiculous. But, hey, that's my life. Just a list of things that happened recently that made me laugh.

I was looking at possible places to spend my birthday. This popped up on the screen: "Due to United States travel restrictions, we are unable to display travel itineraries that include Cuba.". BOO!!!

That awkward moment that you are trying to change lanes at a stop light and the little old lady next to you makes eye contact and shakes her head no. 

I was chatting with Lindsay about a boy coming over to my place and said: I feel like people think I'm cooler as soon as they find out I live in a hotel. I want people to like me for me, not for my hotel. #firstworldproblems

I told a joke to my work mentor that I already told to my boss, Michael, and my mentor thought it was super funny. Last month, Michael told me he wanted to have a graduation get-together for me and the other new-hires for our one-year mark. I told him we should do it at our facility in Brazil and have a team building sandcastle competition on the beach. My mentor thought it was very funny and said "You are very good at thinking outside of the box". #professionalpride #gtforever

Jarrett making an acronym in anticipation for our Groundhog's Day adventure in Punxsutawney, PA. #GHD2K13

Family dinner discussing a date I went on: 

     Mom "Did he try to kiss you?"

     Me: "No"

     James: "It's because he didn't want to"

     Me: "No, he probably did"

     Saryah: "No. He didn't"

and it someone turned into a debate where I was arguing that I could kiss any slutty guy if I wanted to, but I choose not to. #bestfamilyever

I have a new bff. He's my brother's best friend's wife's brother, Seth, who I always thought was younger than me until a month ago when I realized he was 30. lol. I told him he was my new go-to guy because he lives so close to me. I've always wanted a cousin bff. Just like, through this marriage, Saryah finally gets a cousin her age (Seth's youngest sister) who we're friends with. Way to marry into a cool family Stevie. Best idea EVER!

My grandma has decided to throw herself a birthday party....on my birthday, after weeks of me trying to determine what I wanted to do for my big celebration #speechless

I still don't have a name plaque for my cube....so I printed and cut one out for myself. It looks legit #proactive

At work we were practicing with a fake fire extinguisher and a virtually simulated fire, and the funny Brazilian lady had her turn and started singing the line from Alicia Keyes' new song "This girl is on Fire" #mylifeattheoffice

I even have the sassy co-worker bff character in my romcom life. This role is taken by my new work bestie, Charles, who denies that we're besties. I tell him about my boy problems and he gives me advice

Example 1:
     Me: So, I'm thinking of just going up to him and telling him I would like to get to know him better.
     Charles: Yes! If girls just did that, the world would be a better place
Example 2: 
     Me: I'm so mad he didn't text me back last night!
     Charles: That's because he was with his wife and kids.
     Me: He does not have a wife and kids.
     Charles: That's what he wants you to think. 

I had a really bad day the other day. In order to make myself feel better, I listened to My Favourtie Things from The Sound of Music on repeat. She's right, when I simply remember my favourite things, then I don't feel so bad. :) #iwishmylifewasamusical

Me thinking: I wish I had a dvd player for the tv in my room. I want to watch the Sound of Music from my comfy bed instead of the couch. #firstworldproblems

I sometimes forget/forgo sleep in order to read a book #bookaddict

I have been lazy all week and have been wearing my glasses. But it's sunny and I do not have clip ons. So I wear my big hipster sunglasses over my normal glasses and no one is the wiser. #twoglassesarebetterthanone

I've decided: if there was an actress that had to be me in my life movie, it would have to be Mindy Kaling. I feel like she is the only ones who would be able to capture my essence. (plus, erica agrees)

being ASSERTIVE

So it turns out I am not assertive in many situations. SURPRISE!
This discovery all started at the end of last year. At work, my manager asked me and the other new-hires take a management skills assessment test. When we got the results back, it turns out I FAILED, and I mean EPICALLY FAILED, the managing conflict portion. I got a 47%. Seriously. Jon and I both received that section as our lowest section, so our boss, Michael, told us to do some training. The training was interesting because there was one part that really stuck out to me. It was about constructive confrontation. Say what? I know. The Assertive Communication part was like an epiphany to my soul. The irony of it came from how the day before I took this training, I was agreed to a second date with a guy, even though I didnt want to, and was planning on lying and cancelling it (avoidance = passive/bad communication).

The assertive communication said I needed to:
1. Express my thoughts, concerns, feelings and ideas
2. Request what you want directly and specifically
3. Refuse someone without feeling guilty
4. Avoid being self-sacrificing and confrontational

Now I know what a lot of you are thinking. Natasha, I know you; you are totally assertive. I'm very assertive with people I know and am comfortable with. I still am, when I'm feeling extreme or negative emotions. For example, if you hurt a friend/family member of mine, I will destroy you without any guilt or remorse. However, this is another post-mission new personality trait that I've discovered. So when I am trying to be polite or nice or I don't really know a person, I my assertive abilities are severely lacking.  For example, take the guy I said yes to on a second date. For privacy, we will call him Mr. Presumptuous. Mr. Presumptuous thought that taking me out on a date automatically means he gets to kiss me and take me out again. Negative. In my internal freak out, after deflecting said kiss, I agreed to a second date just so I can continue my fleeing of the scene (in this fight or flight scenario, I took flight). After this training, I thought, I will be direct, specific, and refuse without feeling guilty. I should not have to feel guilty about my own feelings. I should not have to sacrifice my happiness just to allow a guy to feel good about himself and get a second date. No thank you. So because i'm not 100% assertive, I was honest and specific, over a text, and not the phone. It was like a weight was lifted off me and I felt great!

Why do I have this fear of making people feel bad? Maybe because I use to be really mean and now I am forever trying to make up for the past by being super nice to people. It's true that the mission has made me way nicer than I ever have been. Or maybe I can blame my parents. LOL. JUST KIDDING! I read the other day something along the lines of: if you never saw conflict when you were young (from your parents) then you never really learn that conflict can be resolved and are likely to be afraid of conflict. I guess that's the price I will pay for never having seen my parents fight my whole life. But seriously. Maybe I'm overcompensating for my Bad Natasha years.

Another example of me learning to be assertive. I went to Monroe, LA last week for work with my boss, Addy. We had a 7 hour car drive there because it was hardcore raining so Addy didn't drive over 55 mph most of the way. It normally should only be  about 6 hours. On the drive up, it was very enjoyable because Addy is such a good ol' fashion family guy. After driving for a few hours, I really wanted to ask him some advice questions about my career. My passive voice said "Don't bother him with that because he'll think you're too needy or annoying." My assertive side said "Do it. You will never get what you want unless you ask." So I asked and he had some really good advice and things to say. The next day, I was giving a presentation to some people about the project I had been working on and had to ask a lady about getting some more data from her. She was really defensive about it and kept telling me I didn't need the information. I was hoping Addy would step in and she would respect his authority and do what he says...but he didn't. It was up to me to deal with it. I was assertive in my request and eventually she agreed. I was SOOO PROUD of myself! I felt like I could do anything!

My last example happened yesterday, when Addy told me to set up a meeting between us and a vendor. Oh man. I felt so out of my league. I felt like I had no authority to be requesting meetings with VPs of other companies and telling them when and where we need to meet. I had to put aside my feelings of inadequacy and be assertive. It is so funny because ever since our training and discussion with Michael over what we learned, Jon and I have been constantly sharing our experiences of being assertive and the outcomes. It is really encouraging. It's kind of like my own personal support group of being assertive. I can do it!

Topic change...but it will tie back to my assertiveness theme.

Let us define harassment in a legal sense:  the act of systematic and/or continued unwanted and annoying actions of one party...including threats and demands. The purposes may vary, including...personal malice, an attempt to force someone to [do something]... or merely gain sadistic pleasure from making someone fearful or anxious.

http://www.stopstreetharassment.org/strategies/assertive-responses/

Ladies and Gentlemen, yesterday I was a victim of harassment and I was not assertive about confronting it. Let me tell you a story. And I will change names for the sake of privacy. There are two guys in this story, one is JR and the other is Mr. Should Have Been Slapped (Mr. S) So the story begins yesterday, after I had a long day at work and went to work out, and FHE. (PS. I'm FHE Coordinator #awesomecalling). Afterwards, I was having a good time and was called over by Mr. S, who kept on saying stupid things like "you have to say yes" and repeating phrases along those lines. Then JR asked me out for Saturday night. I had to say no, because I had just made plans with someone else to do something. I felt bad because I always seem to have plans when JR wants to do stuff. His intentions have been made known, and I get the picture. Then Mr. S started bothering me again saying "you need to say yes" "you hae to say yes" and other unwanted commentary. Yes Mr. S. I get it. You really want your friend to go on a date with me. JR then took a proactive approach and asked when I will be free. Sadly, the next time I can go out is Feb 8th. So he has to wait about 2.5 weeks before a date, but it is written in my planner so I will not forget. Afterwards, Mr. S came up to me and was like "did you say yes?" and i said "yes" and he said "when" so i told him. Then he started saying how if you really want to do something you can always find time. I told him that I was a busy person and that is the only free time I have. I was like, I'm done here and walked to my car. Mr. S called me back, and I went back because I thought he was going to apologize for his harassing behavior. Instead he made me feel bad about myself. He had crossed the line from concerned friend to complete jerk and I wanted to slap him so badly. Come on, Mr Presumptuous had to wait like a month because we had such conflicting and busy schedules, not like I told him that, because it is none of his business! Get over yourself Mr. S! I should have been assertive and said specifically and directly without any guilt "Mr S. You are acting like a jerk and not like a friend. I hope you do not go around harassing girls to date your friends often. If you talk to me again about this subject, I will slap you and maybe even punch you in hopes of breaking your nose or severely injuring your person." Granted, it wouldn't have been as polite if I had stayed to respond to him. Instead, I walked off, without him knowing of his inappropriate and harassing behaviour, and he may do it again to some other girl. As a disclaimer...JR is a really nice guy, and if he wasn't, i probably would have called him by now and broken off the date due to his stupid friend.

I was so upset that I called Erica and she had to talk me down from it. She reminded me of how I need to be assertive and not worry about other people's feelings when they are doing something like that. Don't laugh it off. It's not okay. This is my number one goal for 2013. I am going to be assertive in all I do.